that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.