Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product