I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Wait a minute…
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I did not eat the cake…
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.