[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.