These work great until they don’t.
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”