They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
You Might Also Like
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
#Caturday
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀