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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling