PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
#dnd #ttrpg
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
inventing words: clothing
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.