Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first