“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”