Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
From my Mom
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates