My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
You Might Also Like
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
馃
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I鈥檒l leave please don鈥檛 hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don鈥檛 tell my wife I鈥檓 going to play 2 am hockey
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I鈥檓 an Indian doesn鈥檛 mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
The only way I鈥檇 be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I鈥檇 be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
No matter what country they鈥檙e in ducks always have the same quaccent.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It鈥檚 at 4 am and he鈥檚 naked, but still
This is a whole mood;
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: why don鈥檛 I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don鈥檛 I have a gf