“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
No way!
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Unimpressed
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.