Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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Accurate
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house