I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
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getting corrected
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
hackers play passwordle
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong