Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow