My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
You Might Also Like
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My blood type is coffee.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Kermit goes Blue.