Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
craving $300 all of a sudden
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit