Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel