luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”