Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
You Might Also Like
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?