Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk