[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
SF is the wild wild west man
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I mean…but I did
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?