I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
no cat here