Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Sorry not sorry.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher