How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My work here is done
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Breaking news:
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Breaking news:
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.