“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I can’t wait!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share