I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
You Might Also Like
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
twitter users today:
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Ugh but profoundly
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’