My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.