Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family