Truth
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Safety first
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken