*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.