My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.