I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.