my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Cats (2019)
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.