I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I lost my wife鈥檚 audiobook… and now I鈥檒l never hear the end of it!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My husband said let鈥檚 cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
Transcript of Paul Ryan鈥檚 life since endorsing Trump
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let鈥檚 make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
That鈥檚 *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She鈥檒l forget about it, but I鈥檓 still getting her one when she turns 16.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.