During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.