Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
You Might Also Like
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.