People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it鈥檚 just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[leaving a birthday party with my pi帽ata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn鈥檛 even get a babysitter.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
i鈥檓 in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn鈥檛 talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he鈥檚 my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The clinic won鈥檛 give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they鈥檙e always super impressed.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he鈥檚 so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy馃憞
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I鈥檓 definitely getting arrested.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I can鈥檛 remember if I鈥檝e got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don鈥檛 have to meet with their teachers.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord鈥檚 work.