[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Flowers bee like
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Worth a try
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me trying to walk in a dream
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww