[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
You Might Also Like
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…