I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch