I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
You had me at “define legal”.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.