My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Can Happiness buy money?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’m about to risk it all