[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.