Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
You Might Also Like
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
🤣✨#caturday
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.