REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.