interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
me and my fake scenarios
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”