If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Was it something I said?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”