Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.